Selected Extracts from the Chef Speak/Plain English Dictionary 2008:
Chef: “My time spent as a kitchen porter was really important to me. You learn your trade at grass roots level”.
Translation: “If I ever peel another potato again, it’ll be too soon. And why exactly is that lazy-assed slacker in the basement still doing the dishes when I sent him out for a packet of fags ten minutes ago?”.
Chef: “Our dishes are very child friendly”.
Translation: “Just feed the little blighters some of yours and keep them quiet – this is a restaurant, not a bloody crèche”.
Chef: “All our food is locally sourced and organic wherever possible”.
Translation: “…as long as we’re not paying over the odds for it, in which case, ‘local’ can be interpreted as the bargain bucket, no frills supermarket down the road”.
Chef: “It’s vitally important to keep the front of house staff informed – they’re familiar with every item on the menu”
Translation: “I talk them through everything I’m plating up. If they’re hungry, there are Pot Noodles in the larder”.
Chef (via the waitress): “I'm sorry for the delay. Everything is cooked freshly to order, and we’re rather busy today”.
Translation (interpreted vocally – and very loudly – to all staff): “Get me an Alka Seltzer and a stiff bloody Mary; I was in the Irish pub over the road until 3am this morning”.
Chef: “I really admire (insert name of local celebrity chef/restaurant owner here). He deserves all the publicity he’s getting; he’s worked very hard to build up a following”.
Translation: “I'm absolutely seething with jealousy. One favourable review from Venue and (insert name of local celebrity chef/restaurant owner here) is suddenly being referred to as revolutionising the local scene! And everybody knows he rips off our menus …”.
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