Wednesday, February 3, 2010

An old romantic gets a bad case of VD


Hands up how many people reading this are planning to ‘do something special’ this Valentine’s Day! But before you expose your pits, please check the following terms and conditions.

Votes cast by those who responded to surveys recently circulated by Thorntons, Interflora or Ann Summers in a lame attempt to publicise how popular their chocolates/flowers/knickers are at this time of the year won’t be counted. If you really think that chocolate-flavoured hearts scrawled with a spidery trail that vaguely relates to the name of your ‘loved one’, a weary, over-priced, imported red rose or a thrush-inducing nylon thong bearing the legend ‘I’m Yours’ make the perfect romantic gesture, you shouldn’t be allowed to even consider going on a date.

Also excluded from our survey are the knee-jerk reactionaries who believe that acknowledging Valentine’s Day is something you ‘just do’. These are the same people who rate pizza as their favourite food, spend a fortune on T-shirts emblazoned with the name of the shop they brought it from and think that the bland but sinister Donny Osmond mini-me who won the X-Factor is ‘really good’ - in other words, those who responded to the surveys mentioned in group one.

Next on the ‘keep your hands down’ roll call come all those who think that remembering to buy a Valentine’s Card will make up for forgetting the anniversaries, birthdays and other, more personal landmarks that take place throughout the year. Listen up: it won’t.

If you’re hoping that turning up with a bunch of flowers on February 14th will go some way towards saying sorry to your partner for calling him/her by the wrong name last time you were in the throes of passion, ’accidentally’ snogging his/her best mate or ‘failing to tell’ him/her that you’re prone to herpes outbreaks or bingeing on internet porn forget it; that bouquet is destined, at best, to be rammed down your throat.

Please also abstain from the vote if you’re a man who thinks that housework is woman’s work - you’ll never be capable of conducting a mature relationship based on mutual respect, so don’t further condescend to your maid - sorry, partner - by pretending you love her on Valentine’s Day. Meanwhile, if you’re a woman who regularly picks up his stinky underwear from the bedroom floor, cleans his skidmarks from the toilet pan or thinks it’s ‘quite sweet’ that he doesn’t know how to work the washing machine, you can sit on your fist too - as Cesar Millan will tell you, we don’t reward badly-behaved dogs for non-effort; instead of a Valentine’s Day card, present him with an invoice instead.

If you’re going through what’s politely referred to as a ‘bad patch’ (translation: prone to throwing violent tantrums that wreak havoc on each other when even the most spiteful words fail you both), please don’t expect a quiet table for two at your local cosy bistro to give you temporary respite from the boxing ring. As most restaurant staff will tell you, Valentine’s Day can be as much about tears and tantrums as it is about hearts and flowers; you have been warned.

Also on the desist list: stalkers for whom V-Day marks the anniversary of the 150th item they’ve sent to the ‘recipient of their affections’ this year. Single people who buy cards for their cat/dog/tadpoles. Those who harbour a crush on a celebrity. Lovelorn employees/students with a crush on their teacher/boss. Anybody who thinks that an anonymous card will give their recently-dumped/long term single a glimmer of hope. All those who can’t think of a more imaginative way to tell the person you love that you love them - and really mean it.

Cynical, moi? To the contrary: I believe that Valentine’s Day is for life, not just for, erm, Valentine’s Day. But whether you’re with me or against me, please keep your hands to yourself.

1 comment:

Cali Boy said...

I love you so much it hurts (to pee!) (kidddding!!!). But you do make me laugh so much that I feel like peeing, and that hurts!