Friday, May 30, 2008

Bottle it!

Britney Spears is Curious, the Beckhams are Intimate, Jordan is Stunning, Kylie is Darling and Jade Goody once again left herself wide open to ridicule by calling hers ‘Ssh....’. Even Sir Cliff has jumped the celebrity perfume bandwagon; this season, you could, if you’re sad enough, reek of his ‘Summer Holiday’. Surely it’s only a matter of time before the celebrity chef brigade hit the bottle too?

Personally, I can’t wait to inhale ‘GRrrrr’ by Gordon Ramsay: a heady mix of stale testosterone, brute force and rampant male ego, delivered in one tiny squirt. For the eccentric uncle in the family, Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall’s ‘Cottaging’ - with the strapline ‘Who ever thought that pig’s intestines could smell so good?’ - is guaranteed to bring out the Mellors in every man. Meanwhile, ‘Lair du Horridge’ - literally a bottle of hot air, distilled by the man himself from echinacea pollen gathered in Bathampton at dawn - is presented in a three dimensional bottle that represents three dimensional, erm, essences; now that’s what I call the future of British perfume.

Ladies might enjoy Nigella Lawson’s ‘Smug’: top notes of (cat that got the) cream blended with a secret ingredient from Carluccio’s deli and presented in a bodice-wrapped, shape-shifting hourglass. Or what about ‘Fraudulent’ by Delia Smith - not exactly a perfume as such, but a handy list of which ingredients to mix together (Jif lemon, Cif cream cleanser, etc) in order to recreate that authentic Mrs Beeton odour? Unfortunately, Ainsley Harriott’s ‘Fast Blast’ doesn’t linger for long. But Jamie Oliver’s ‘Jammy’ range - exclusive to Sainsburys - offers long-term broad appeal, promising to be an ‘accessible collection of impish grooming products for boys’, including ‘On Yer Bike!’ aftershave, ‘Cheeky Chappie Hair Gel’ and ‘Blather'n'Spit’ lip balm. But beware: over-exposure can cause massive irritation.

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