Well, it was worth a try...

THE DICTIONARY DEFINITION: “Aphrodisiacs: various forms of stimulation thought to arouse sexual excitement, generally classified in two principal groups: (1) psycho-physiological (visual, tactile, olfactory, aural) and (2) internal (stemming from food, alcoholic, drugs, love potions, medical preparations)”.


THE GUINEA PIG
Male, 42
Existing libido level: high - but can a quick shot of nature’s Viagra make a good thing even better?

THE WOMAN IN THE WHITE COAT
Female, 44
Qualifications: none


EXPERIMENT 1: A GOOD SHUCK
FACT Oysters are massively high in zinc, which plays a vital role in the production of the hormone prostaglandin (which regulates the growth and function of the sex organs).

FICTION Aphrodite (the Greek goddess of love) sprang forth from the sea on an oyster shell, roman emperors paid for them by their weight in gold and frisky fop Casanova used to eat 12 dozen of ‘em before a ‘session’.

METHOD According to Gordon Ramsay, oysters are best served raw, on a bed of crushed ice – simple as that. According to my beloved guinea pig, raw oysters ‘taste like bad phlegm’ – or at least, I think that’s what he said as he dashed off to the bathroom to vomit copiously.

RESULT? 0/5 – sick just isn’t sexy


EXPERIMENT 2: NUT WARMERS
FACT Ginger and chillies contain androgens which are thought to raise testosterone levels and increase sexual desire in men, while nuts are good for men’s, erm, nuts (thanks to that horny old devil called zinc again)

FICTION Emperor Caligula ate 50 raw chillies every morning in order to maintain his legendary stamina levels; Barbara Cartland used to drink a pine nut smoothie when she wanted to kick-start the bodice ripping imagination

METHOD I feel a stir-fry coming on! Heavy on the pine nuts and the spices, with a few prawns thrown in for good measure (well whaddya know – zinc again!). And I watched … and waited. And waited again as he went off to the loo. Again. And again. And again. “Must have been something I ate …”, he mumbled, as he dissolved yet another sachet of Diocalm in warm water.

RESULT? 0/5 - fiery for all the wrong reasons.


EXPERIMENT 3: SWEET NOTHINGS
FACT Chocolate contains high levels of phenylethylamine and seratonin, chemical mood-lifting agents which produce the euphoric effects associated with being in love

FICTION Chocolate has been credited as having mystical aphrodisiac qualities since the days of the Mayan and Aztec cultures

METHOD A grand selection of organic dark chocolate - rich in antioxidants and nutrients (including iron for stamina, nudge nudge) to accompany the ‘Lost’ Season Four climax …

RESULT 1/5 … or rather, anticlimax. Nothing happened, nothing was explained – and the chocolate – though absolutely yummy - had no palpable effect, either.


EXPERIMENT 4: PHALLIC FOOD
FACT It’s not what you eat, it's the way that you eat it

FICTION 9 and a Half Weeks, that 1970’s Cadbury’s Flake advert, Linda Lovelace – mmmmmmmm, yes …

METHOD On the menu today: butter-drenched asparagus spears and slippery smoked salmon strands followed by Haagen Dazs with bananas and raspberries (which I intended to feed him blindfold). Down went the asparagus, in what I hoped was true porn star style; cue my one-man ‘audience’ looking at me as though I was absolutely mad every time I slurped salaciously while catching his eye. Best quote of the evening: “Why are you eating like that? Have you got a mouth ulcer?”, followed by: “No you can’t blindfold me! I don’t trust you not to kill me – or at least steal my wallet”. Charming! Experiment terminated.

RESULT? 5/5 for hilarity. 0/5 for anything else.


EXPERIMENT 5: BEER GOGGLES
FACT Alcohol reduces inhibitions

FICTION “Candy’s dandy, but liquor’s quicker” (Ogden Nash)

METHOD Take two bottles of Champagne, four of Rolling Rock and a bottle of Baileys - we were dancing to show tunes by 9pm and dancing to slow tunes one hour later. Unfortunately, though, I can’t remember actually going to bed - but I do know for sure that I was sick in the morning, he had too much of a headache to get up and go to work and neither of us could manage anything more than grunting at each other until at least midday.

RESULT: 1/5 – but it has to be said, he’s the greatest dancer


THE CONCLUSION!
Rumour, humour, fact, fiction and fun – such is the stuff that aphrodisiacs are made of. Some brave souls swear by crushed and powdered blister beetles, others get hard at the very mention of lizard’s penis, while the Wonderbra will always be a girl’s best friend when it comes to a lure. Still, a little bit of what you fancy will always do you good – and if that happens to be the one you’re with on Valentine’s Day, you’ve got your gift all wrapped up already.