Despite UK tax officials acknowledging that chocolate teacakes had been wrongly categorised as biscuits way back in 1994, it took high street giants Marks and Spencer to bring such discriminatory practises back into the public eye again last week, when a legal battle to reclaim the wrongly-paid VAT from the UK Treasury was ruled in their favour, in principle.
“The outcome of this case represents the justice and recognition that we so richly deserve,” said a chocolate teacake, in an exclusive interview with the Animal Disco yesterday. “We’ve been erroneously accused of being biscuits for over two decades. But while we come wrapped in silver foil with our cake-like qualities are hidden beneath a chocolate flavoured coating, we are not - and have never been – related to biscuits in any way”. Jaffa Cakes, who have been strongly supporting the chocolate teacakes throughout the case, faced a similar ordeal in August 1991. After a 12-inch wide Jaffa Cake was produced as evidence, a jury agreed that, while it clearly “had the characteristics of biscuits or confectionery which was not cake”, it had sufficient cake-like characteristics to be classified accordingly.
As the debate regarding the distinction between bread and cakes (which enjoy tax free status) and confectionery and snack products (subject to the standard rate) raged on in bakeries across the land last night, an outraged Swiss Roll described the situation thus: “As a sponge-based, teatime treat, I don’t consider myself to be in any way related to the rather less salubrious Jaffa Cakes, or any members of their hybrid, mongrel family. Neither I, the fruited teacake or indeed the scone are happy about the recent court rulings”. If the European Court of Justice ruling is upheld, however, Marks and Spencer will have every reason to celebrate. The flapjacks, meanwhile, were not available for comment.
Elsewhere, in what many will see as an inevitable move, government plans to go ahead with a pilot scheme to monitor (and tax) gluttonous gourmets are in the pipeline. From the first of this month, several independent restaurants in the region are voluntarily participating in the pilot, using the government’s recommended daily allowance guidelines to analyse the fat, calorie and salt levels in their customer’s chosen dishes of the day, alerting them when they meander into the ‘red zone’ (over the RDA) and charging a ‘premium tax’ to diners who exceed the limit by more than 12%. Meanwhile, diners who attempt to order more than three units of alcohol to accompany their meal will be offered a free soft drink instead.
A spokesperson for the recently formed lobbying organisation ‘Say No to Nanny’, called the scheme “preposterous”, accusing the government of adopting a Big Brother approach in their relentless drive to police our personal choices. “First the smoking ban, now this”, says Hugo J’arsé. “It’s terrifying”. But many restaurateurs beg to differ. “Our customers are aware of the health risks associated with certain foods,” said Réussi Arnaqueur of Keynsham’s new Russian venture A!Bling! . “ But forbidden fruit is so sexy – and a great money-spinner. If you want foie gras ballotine, dauphinois potatoes or double crème brulee, we’ll happily serve it to you, with the extra tax and health warnings adding an element of luxury and danger to you final bill. I think the scheme will be huge success”.
1 comment:
Very happy to see that you've got your groove back!
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