Prime Cuts

The following are all genuine quotes, earwigged (and duly noted) when out and about in various Bath’s eateries:

Gorgeous looking, very stylish young couple in chic French bistro (aperitifs, three course dinner, excellent wine, brandy): “It’s a nice place, isn’t it?” (her). “Yes” (him). 50 minutes later: “How’s yours?” (him). “Lovely, thanks” (her).

Irate, ‘Desperate Housewife’ mum to careworn, exhausted daughter (barely-touched supper): “How dare you say I’m not good at relationships with men? I’m on to my fourth marriage – I doubt that you’ll never even make your second!”.

Early 40-ish woman with father, both a bit drunk (Italian bistro): “Did you like that, dad?” (as plate is taken away, completely empty). “D’you know, I can’t remember what I had!”.

Two 30-something women (bar, 10.44pm): “Honestly! A wooden spoon! And now, when I want to get in a horny mood …”. “Hang on, though – was he the same fella who had the thing about butter?”. “It wasn’t even butter, it was Flora margarine! But no, it wasn’t him – it was the one with the key ring fetish …”.

Nice old lady to nice old lady (tea and pasties): “… but when I looked into her shopping basket, there was a packet of contraceptives in there! I thought to myself, just goes to show – people are never as nice as they like you to think they are”.

Really vile, port-soaked old duffer (dining room of v. posh country house hotel): “Jesus Christ, doesn’t anybody speak English these days? I said, girl, bring me my cheese! Bloody barbarian …”.

Pretty, 20-something girl to similarly styled boy (untouched pizza on busy terrace of trendy bar, 6.30pm): “I wish you were somebody else, then we’d be fine”.

Eating out: it’s not just about the food.