I think I actually preferred Old McDonald...

2004: American independent film maker Morgan Spurlock’s acclaimed documentary ‘Supersize Me’ is setting the chattering classes, erm, chattering, there’s a media storm brewing over the contents of our children’s lunchboxes and fast food is fast gaining a reputation for being the UK’s most lethal WMD – the perfect time, then, for Venue to send a weapons inspector off to review the Bath branch of McDonalds. To summarise the ensuing report, I most certainly didn’t have a very happy meal – and I never went back again.

Since then, Morgan has been off on a fruitless search for Osama Bin Laden, Jamie Oliver has become the nation’s favourite school dinner lady and I’ve somehow managed to supersize myself (a situation I’m putting to rights at the time of writing). Meanwhile, things have moved on for McDonalds, too. Ronald seems to have retired (oh, if only this review didn’t have to be closely scrutinized by lawyers; I’d love to make a bad joke about glam rock stars who fall from grace here), his cheery countenance sidelined to make room for cheery cartoon farmyard animals and TV ads featuring cheery families foraging for fresh vegetables. A new McDonalds website – www.makeupyourownmind.co.uk – has been set up in order to offer an ‘access all areas’ tour of the company itself, while multitudinous branches across the country have been the subject of major makeovers. In the Bath city centre branch, unforgiving neon strips and garish plastic furniture have been replaced by subtle pools of light, coffee’n’cream paintwork and leather seats. Staff wear uniforms designed by couturier to the stars Bruce Oldfield, Vettriano/Hopper style prints adorn the walls and there’s free WiFi access for all; in a totally bland, unchallenging way, it’s actually quite a good look. But what lurks behind the window dressing?

These days, you’ll find porridge and bagels amongst the double egg and bacon McMuffin™ breakfasts, Happy Meals™ come with a fresh fruit bag and eggs come from free range hens. Zeitgeist? We’re la-la-la-la-la, lovin’ it. According to the McDonalds website, there’s even a low fat option in amongst the deli sandwiches. But our server (efficient, friendly and polite, despite the scrum queuing up at the tills) didn’t have a clue what I was talking about when I asked which one it was, so I had to make do with sweet chilli chicken on brown bread (sans cheese), while he went for an Oriental BBQ beef meal (he said it was his way of paying homage to the Beijing 47; I say he’d probably have preferred a Big Mac™ but was too afraid to defy my instructions regarding trying something new). Elsewhere, the Pound Saver Menu™ makes it easy for the credit crunch aware to feed a family of four for under a fiver and, as long as you’re not vegetarian, the Salads Plus™ selection pays lip service to Nanny (just don’t follow it up with the omnipresent McFlurry™).

But despite the image makeover, it’s still very much business as usual at McD’s. The roll that kept my deli sandwich together was indeed fresh and brown, but the chicken within tasted only of the very, very sweet chilli dressing that bound it – I was left with a sugar-rush headache and a cloying aftertaste that clung to my gums for hours after eating it. His Oriental BBQ beef was, I’d guess, a similar experience (though meatier), but I can’t vouch for it personally because he scoffed the lot, making the most of the fact that he was actually being allowed to indulge in what is, for this little family at least, a rare ‘treat’.

At this point, it would be easy to totally denigrate McDonalds (albeit in a subtle, law suit defying way), awarding the head honchos axis of evil status while mewling over the prospects for a generation of obese, sugar- and fat-addicted kids who have never developed the ability to use cutlery. But hey, we read the Guardian - we all know the facts; do what McDonalds tell you to do, and make up your own mind. As for your intrepid reporter, my minds already made up: a return visit four years hence would be way too soon.